Well Lou's gf from last winter prior to our rekindling emerged from the shadows with avengence. She has absolutely no clue that he has since their break-up gotten married and is expecting a child. That lack of knowledge serves to make her recent re-emergance quite humourous.
Let me briefly tell you about, "Kitten". Lou never referred to her as anything but that, I always figured she was a variant of Catherine, it's always nice to know your intuition is on the ball. Kathleen and Lou shared an online and phone romance that lasted the course of several months. Kathleen was at the time 16. Now I remember being sixteen, and I know many 16 year olds. She was so much like me in a multitude of aspects that I couldn't help but hate the fact that she existed, knowing how Lou is attracted by passionate and intelligent beings. I knew about Kat, (taking liberty to shorten her name and dispensing of a nickname I find entirely too cute for my purposes), through Lou as soon as he and I started to talk again last winter. I saw a picture, certainly couldn't find flaw with her looks, 5'4 long reddish-blond thick hair, nice enough rack, looked cute in glasses. Easy on the eyes.
She is smart, very smart for her age, she's poetic- she has a way with words. I will not say her poetry or writing is better than mine, I think quite honestly it pales by comparison. My favorite piece of hers was written about Lou- go figure. She just has an incredible vocabulary, it's just that sometimes Less is More.
Anyway as far as their relationship goes, they grew attached quickly, became passionate very fast, talking about children and the like- asking all those important questions to make sure your on the same page. Very passionate people have to ask those things because otherwise they will get lost in the emotional whirlwind and romantic entanglement that they get glued to someone who they are entirely incompatable with on a day to day level. The fact that they felt so strongly towards each other so soon no doubt had to do with her needing a savior, and him loving to feel so needed. "A man does not insist on physical beauty in a woman who builds up his morale. After awhile he realizes that she is beautiful - he just hadn't noticed it at first." It goes along those lines. Never-the-less, her being in such need, and having so many curiousities about things he was interested in, particularly those involving spirtuality and all things pagan... it was a decent match. Well, except for two or more things.
The first I'll be inclined to say is Myself. Not to say that I am the all mighty controller of his life by any means, but even supposing that they had continued a relationship- ie: she had not broken up with him due to "distance" - I would have become a meddling trifilng pain in the ass in time, and probably wormed my way in. I know that makes me sound like a total cunt, but facts are the facts. I was never going to give up on Lou. So oh well, at least I'm fucking honest.
That brings us to problem two, between Kat and Lou- dishonesty. Like her sending a letter\gift and it mysteriously vanishing into the thin air. Lost in the mail is a BS term. Nothing is ever really LOST in the mail unless it leaves this country! She said it was returned to her and that she sent it again- Lou realized this was entirely BS, he wouldn't need any help from me to figure that out, he's not fucking stupid. But my 4 of my family members, including my mom, have worked for the post office. This "lost in the mail" thing is crap- it's not lost, it's MISPLACED. Eventually it will be sent to either the right address or back to the sender.
The next issue between them... is age. Oh I know I'm not exactly little miss "has right to talk" about dating people out of your age bracket. Especially considering my run with a guy 14 years older than me, and that Kat is only 4 years younger than Lou. But 16, living at home, being still under the watchful eyes of the rents, having your online and phone time monitored vs. being 20, in the military, on your own, frequenting bars\strip clubs, generally speaking being an adult- having control of your own life and responsibility of your actions. In addition to just lifestyle, experience plays a part. Lou had been in a relationship with me for a long time, and it was a very very tumultous relationship. Very manic, and we had gone through stuff together many people in their 30's are only beginning to start to experience. This girl has been relatively NO WHERE. So of course- this means Lou would basically have to relive a lot of earlier experiences he'd had with me, while she'd have to start from scratch. For the experienced person that can be frustrating because of the repatition, to the inexperienced person because the other person seems so damn distant from where you are.
So yes, there were problems without me, and they did surface, and Kat broke up with Lou because of "distance". Who the fuck knows, but problems were there never the less, and -I- was not actually the cause of his break up.
Anyway, yes, the other day Kathleen came waltzing back into his life, and therefore mine. Inititally I was jealous and envious and worried, not because I don't trust him, but because she is scary. We talked, I cried, had absolutely beautiful wonderful amazing sex that only occurs when two people actually LOVE each other. It was Awesome in the true sense of the word. I could almost thank her.
As I said to Maggie perhaps what scares me most is that Kathleen and I are so similar, and we have similar drives and that's scary because to know someone so similar exists and has the same person in their ambitions, it is frightening to think that they could push themselves into your beautiful world and ruin it. The thought that somehow this person could take advantage of Lou if ever we fought and she found out and was there to catch his fall before he and I could make amends- this is scary.
I told Lou the fact that the past can pop into the present is scary and unfortunately unavoidable. Kathleen managed to walk into my home yesterday in the form of a letter, but it was no different than if she had just appeared. That too is frightening. I had all but forgetten her existance, but there she was again. It was a violation. Unfortunately due to the fact that Kat has no clue that Lou and I got back together, and are married, in fact I don't even know if she even knew about me to begin with, gives me a little more patience and does help to take away some of the elements of fear- the ones that would indicate that this letter was malicious.
Since she didn't know we were\are together, she has no reason to NOT have an aim more than friendship, but as we ARE married - she should be told that such attempts would not only prove in vain, but would also be callous.
Here is her Letter:
It's been a long time. Too Long. You have been in my dreams lately. Perhaps it's the Whooping Cough ailing me, or just my subconcious reminding me of what once made me happy. I've since had a birthday and many things trouble me. I hope love has found you again. If you have loved and lost, perhaps your search will end soon. So much has happened. Might I start near the beginning after we parted ways?
Remember I told you what my father did to my sister, and how afraid to see him I was. Well, I went and spent Christmas with him, then a bit in Spring Break, then a month in the summer. He's taught me a lot. Got me a car. Taught me to do Body and Paintwork. Even let me enter my car in a car show. He got me a '71 Plymouth Barracuda. I'm facing my fears, I have gained two stepsister and a niece. A step-mother, and a family that loves me. My sister won't forgive me.
I have read The Book you sent me. Many nights I've sat in my bed until morning reading, fascinated by the powers at hand. Especially the chapter on Hauntings. I've read it's stories probably 3 times. Thank you.
I sense a vague curiosity addressing my romantical escapades. I had one summer romance. It ended in tragedy (Tristan was a tragedy, what follows is pedantic teenage whining). Ian took my heart and blew it up like a flesh balloon (I'd love to see that); forcing the ice-cicles to shoot from it's tubing where they had iced my nearly black heart, and numbed my mind to everyone around me. My blood ran warm again. He then lied to me and sucked his love back in, my juices passing his lips and leaving me nearly dead to the world. I've since given-up a bit, and am consentrating on my drums and theater. I'm in the play Arsenic and Old Lace.
I went to college over the summer. Took 3 classes at the community college near by. I will graduate early, and I have a date set to audition to get into Juliard for theater and for music. I am growing up, Lou. More than before. I think differently now, but still I linger in the purgatory between childhood and the rhelm of Adulthood. Then to Parenthood. then to old age. Then Death. I choose to make the most from my life. I wish to become a teacher. Percussion instructor for a Drum and Bugle Corp. No worries, my friend... If you like, when I become a household name, you and your friends can be my bodygaurd. *Winks*
I feel I must explain why I bothered to write to you. Though it was no bother at all, I still owe you an explanation. I remember our last conversation. I told you that I would still request friendship of you. I did not decieve you. I miss your friendship. I remember when you were on of the few would could make me laugh.
I haven't had a good belly laugh in months. I've lost quite a bit of weight. 1230lbs now. Last time we talked I was 5'4 and 145. I've grown since. 5'6 actually. My hair has changed. My eyes are green no, no longeri the dark blue you could once recognize. Once a plump (yea right, fuck off) caterpillar, now emerging into the elegance of a butterfly. So is life, I suppose. But I would much like to be your friend once more. If your wish is to forget me, then let it be so... But I protest. And will continue to do so. You should know me well enough that I do not give up without a bit of fight.
Make a wish and hold it tight
Thou wilst dance with me tonight
Your wish is silent without a prayer
But our friendship stands, and now I'm there
And here is my reply:
My name is Sarah Miller, I am Louis Millers wife, and a long time friend of his. Louis and I recieved your letter, I would like you to know that while I am aware of your past with Lou, husband I have no problem with him associating with you. I'm sorry he failed to write to you himself, or that you have not recieved a reply sooner but his mail from the barracks was not forwarded til just under a week ago.
Please know that I am not in any way barring my husbands interaction with you. I could not and would not, he is a grown man, capable of making such descisions for himself, and I trust him implicitly. As I know the two of you were so close and I do know how unforgettable he is and how much of an impression he made in your life and vice versa even in such a short time, I have taken the liberty to respond to you myself. Please do not regard this as an infringement of privacy, he brought the letter to me to prevent me from upset as he knew I would sense he was with-holding information. Similarly, he has been informed of this letter, and read it himself prior to it's sending. No Secrets.
This next bit may seem very cold, and I do have more to tell you that is not so darkly toned, but this is important enough that I feel it should be addressed first rather than last. If you cannot handle the words that come up now it can be generally assumed that you either had no intention of just being friends with my husband, or that you are rightfully offended. If the latter winds up being the case, my apologies in advance. Be honest with yourself in reading, and don't be hasty to refute. The subconscious can be a very powerful thing... now without further ado:
Neither Lou nor myself are blind to the ways of women. Lou was the one who informed me of your letter, and he was the one to first look for any hint of deception or underlying messages. It is possible that he read more into your words and I found myself agreeing out of jealousy, but I think that there is more merit to our mutual conclusion that. Your wording regarding rekindling your friendship was forceful, your letter laced with indirect apology, and a dose of self-pity that assumes the place of karmic retribution. I know these tactics well, I have even used them myself. This is not however, an attack. I cannot fault you if you are or were indeed searching to rekindle more than friendship with my husband, my love- after all, I fell for him too. *smiles*
But, I am forced to tell you, that if you cannot respect the bonds of Our love, the vows we have taken, I will not hesitate to blow the entirety of you up like a flesh balloon using one means or another.
With that stated and out of the way, a general update is probably in order is it not? Louis and I were wed on June 17th, 2003. I am aware that this may seem sudden to you after the bond you two had developed, however Lou and I have known each other since we were fourteen, we have been together on and off over the course of the past nearly 6 years. We shared first love together, a love that has never faded even through all the trials our relationship endured. We both grew up and found our way back to each other. I am sorry for the loss this causes to the world, my stripping him from the market, but I cannot say that it was avoidable. We are -true- soul mates. I'm sorry if that makes you bristle. Truth be told there is much that you have said that has made me bristle. But that is the way of women who have such similar tastes as we.
Going on with the update, Louis and I still reside in Alabama, although we are awaiting relocation in 2005. We are expecting a child in early to mid-march. *gryns* We consumated the marriage well. :-)
Lou hasn't had a lot of time to attend to his poetry or art, I'm sure that he will soon find time and more desire to write\draw as he once did.
As for your recent experience with love, well love is a tricky thing isn't it. It is easy for those of us who are passionate and romantic to get lost in our desires, to wrap our hearts up around a new flame, dancing and writhing so close that we lose the world and all that lives outside, and all the sensibilites that world has taught us. Tempering passion with reality we can learn to recognize Love, True Love, and avoid those illusions that put our fragile wings of emotion at risk of being burned. Embracing our other attributes we can take the time needed to mend burned wings, and improve upon other important parts of ourselves so that when we do find True Love, we will have more of ourselves to share, rather than less. Yes, scars may remain, some visible, some not, but they are within our power to overcome.
Sarah Marie Miller
~And there's an end